I saw Bruno last night.

Through about 90% of the movie, this was my facial expression:



it was enough to shock ME.
...go see it.

i am sick of being the person people seem to leave on the back burner.

I LOVE THE SHIT OUTTA OF PROVIDENCE RHODE ISLAND!

i just got home from liberty fest which was basically a big block party with a fuckton of really awesome local bands playing for free. i watched some of white mice's set and got a contact high, which i am enjoying but i'm also kind of worried because there might be thc in my system even though i havent smoked in weeks? and i might get a job that drug tests? fml oh well i'll just enjoy this while it lasts and then walk it off and drink lots of pure shit like cranberry juice and water.
um anyways white mice was the scariest/loudest/most amazing thing i've ever seen at a small show.

my sister has been showing me off to her freinds and they're all really interesting, funny, intelligent people.

I THINK I'M GONNA DO OKAY HERE GUISE

ps the cat tried to run away today and she was walking on the top of the raincatchers earlier but i got her. and now she's sleeping next to me.

okay happy 4th of july.

as i lock myself up in my room, cleaning out my closet and throwing out old articles of clothing(and thus pieces of my younger self) i have been living vicariously through this woman:



i am really stressed out. i have no patience. i want to leave. i want all this to be real. i want to pound the pavement of a real city, with real people. i want to be able to put my paychecks towards supporting myself. fuck everything else. no one else is deciding my fate but me.
the thing is, i have done this before, on a smaller scale. so i know i'm capable. and everyone who matters is behind me.

why does it all seem so far away?

on a semi-related note, ( want. )

i had a lot of fun tonight, it was definitely great to see anthony and have an awesome time dancing up a sweat with him in familiar territory, no matter how trashy. i definitely overdressed. i had to take my heels off by the time we headed out.

a lot of people are talking about michael jackson's death and either i just don't connect with people i've never met or it hasn't really sunk in, but it's so hard to grasp that someone who made such a big impact on music is gone for good. i don't think it's right to bring up the child molestation allegations, because no one knows for sure what happened. given the circumstances and information given by the media, i would not be surprised either way, if anything did end up coming out.

if anything i just feel extremely sorry for him. we will never get to know the real michael jackson, because his entire persona was a fucked up, black-and-white alias given to him by the tabloids and the media. i've always felt a very strong sense of sympathy for people whose lives and public persona weren't made by them, and there is absolutely no denying that michael jackson's public image was decided by someone else from day one of his music career as a child.

maybe this is why i'm fascinated with public figures whose real selfs are like invisible relics. it's almost as if people like marie-antoinette, princess diana, etc...there's a good chance the general public will never be aware of how those people felt about the things that affected them. it's almost as if we want to have a hyper-simplified view of famous people, it makes it all so much easier to take in. it's like the media wants to have an easy way to classify celebrities.
"are they good? yes! we approve of what this person says and does in the public eye! but what about this person? they said something i disagree with, so i don't want to hear anything else they have to say."

i'm aware that i'm rambling, but it's late...or, early, depending on how you live. those are my two cents and they are at your disposal.

goodnight.

tomorrow will either make me or break me.

i really hope things turn out alright, i need some positivity.

i don't want to come off like i'm needy, but is it really all that difficult for people to see me as a human being with feelings and desires?

i just want to know if the people who i care about really care about me.
lately signs have been pointing to "no."

i don't know what the fuck is even going on but i have a lot of questions to ask myself regarding the future and my place in my little bubble.

i want the bubble to burst and i want to be the catalyst.

the show last night was incredible. holy fuck, animal collective puts on one hell of a show.

black dice made me feel like my brain was leaking. in a good way, if there's a good way for your brain to leak, but whatever. their set was about an hour of this, nonstop:
(hold on, the video fuck up the entry. BAH.)

they kinda reminded me of lightning bolt with less guitars and more of the musical equivalent of getting punched in the face with awesome.

i stepped away from adam and jordan and their friend to go to the bathroom and then we i tried to get back to the pit everyone was all "NAW BITCH IM GONNA BE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE, AND IGNORE YOUR EFFORTS TO GET BACK TO YOUR FRIENDS, ALL THE WHILE BEING 7 FUCKING FEET TALL. HOLD ON THIS 8 FOOT TALL GUYS WANTS TO STAND RIGHT THE FUCK IN FRONT OF YOU. GREAT SHOW, RIGHT?"
so i just stood there behind said 8 foot tall dude giving the back of his neck the death glare, and i could only hope he could feel the rage because i was doing it as hard as i could. but i highly doubt it because human beings don't have telepathy.

eventually i just gave up after black dice's set, because i figured the crowd would let up and be a bit more attentive to my efforts, but everyone just kept pushing forward. so i went upstairs. talked to some nice people up there, but i was still kind of pissed. but animal collective made up for it. of course, all i could see was geologist and his cave headgear but whatever. they opened with in the flowers! and the set was incredible. i'm just a little sad they didn't get to play leaf house, though. stupid curfew.

after the show ended adam and jordan and i met up in the loft and hung out for a little while, but everyone was so worn out that we didn't feel like standing around and having a non-committal dance party.

omg omg omg omg ( tomorrrow )

the day came and went and i barely noticed the weight that number carried on me.

i guess there's hope for the hopeless, after all.

omg today was so fun.

I LOVE ALL MY FRIENDS! and i went to the cutest restaurant today, called the blue lemon. it's in satellite. and they have french food and gelato... plus it's cheap. i think it would be beneficial to everyone if they ate there at least once while in the neighborhood...because it's so cute and the food is good and it just made me really happy about life, etc.

the rest of the day was pretty eventful, there's a ton of awesome stuff going on downtown, and i have a bit more money at the moment. but i think i'm gonna try to get my hair cut at oggi, the aveda salon, because they have the $25 cuts done by apprentices. can't hurt, right?

but something i've noticed is,
i don't feel as confident in myself as i used to. i've lost my spark.
uh ohh.

i had a lot of fun tonight, i just need to stop letting the littlest comments bug me.

here's some free music:

passion pit - cuddle fuddle

empire of thhe sun - walking on a dream.

moar passion pit, because i love them:
passion pit - sleepyhead


i may or may not be going to wet n wild tomorrow.

oh, and last night i did something really really illegal.
whoops.

for those of you who aren't aware, i'm currently in orlando because i needed to get out of town for a little bit on a limited budget.

and it's recently come to my attention that there are only say, maybe a handful of people who i call a friend who actually give a flying fuck about me. i feel really used and second-rate and it sucks. the thing is, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I FEEL LIKE THIS. i just get this hunch that everyone actually really hates me.

just a word of advice, next time you want some sympathy or a shoulder to cry on or whatever and you aren't there for me when i'm dealing with something, just get the fuck out of my face.
you fake cunts.

we really are living in the best possible universe.

last night i had a dream i got pregnant and then had the kid, and i had to tell my family(extended, etc) and have it with me at all times and i just felt so shitty and regretted getting pregnant but i knew i had to love my kid and not abandon it or treat it like shit, etc

i was really emotionally invested in that dream, too. but it was scary! i mean, i don't even really want a kid, ever.

OKAY. SO ANYWAYS. why is it, that on myspace, or facebook, anything like that, whenever you say something like "i want to go do blahblah!" the person you hate the most or someone whose just plain fucking creepy is always the only person to respond.

take for instance, this kid joseph who i apparently know from highschool but i think we might have had a class together in the 9th grade and that was it...he added me, and now he's constantly commenting me and responding to my bulletins and being creepy. and i noticed he's also friends with a lot of girls i'm close to but he probably doesn't know. why do people do that? because honestly the only dudes who have cute girl friends in surplus on myspace are usually complete tools.

but yeah that seems to be an unspoken law of the universe, the only people who respond to open invites for hangouts are people you have no desire to see. what the fuck is up with that?

well right now i feel like shit but i just took some midol and i'm surrounded by some amazing new additions to my ridiculously big wardrobe. i guess i don't really even pay attention to all the clothes i seem to own, but whatever.

I BOUGHT THE NEW ONE PIECE FROM AMERICAN APPAREL. THE ONE WITH THE HOOD.
WHY? BECAUSE IT'S FIERCE. THAT'S ALL THE EXPLANATION IT NEEDS.

also i guess i've been brainwashed but goddamn i love lady gaga all of a sudden.
look at this bitch:


i've been laying in bed all day watching america's next top model reruns and it made me think of how good it used to be.
i like tyra better when she didn't have TV time presented to her on a platter. i liked her better when she wasn't sure if ANTM was going to be a hit, and they had to work hard to make interesting challenges that weren't necessarily just advertisements for stupid products. as much as I hated season 1 solely for the fact that Adrien won and the judges constantly criticized Elise for her intelligence, it's almost like she didn't think of herself as OMG TYRA BANKS like she does now.

i have nothing else to say tbh

here's more gaga.

i don't know why i thought Angels and Demons might do CERN right. MANNNN was i wrong.
the whole movie was kind of one big "meh" to me. it was definitely enjoyable but i guess my netflix queue has left me pretty jaded about movies these days.

well otherwise last night was a lot of fun. i'm so glad there are finally more people back in town!

so i've recently begun running on my treadmill as a means for a workout but i know i probably need some more variety if i really wanna lose weight. i'm considering joining a gym because i'm really unhappy with the shape my body's in and i have nothing else to do for three months.
ugh. ugh. ughhhhhhhh.